The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
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Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?