me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
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the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates