those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
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We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.