So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
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An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Me as a therapist: omg same
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out