t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
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Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
When you’ve simply given up.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.