I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
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just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.