You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
You Might Also Like
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Nose
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.