Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
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Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
I did not eat the cake…
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were