Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
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I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
If a snake ate a cake
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island