*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
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Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Succinctly put.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.