Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
You Might Also Like
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I think we should hear other voices.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK