HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
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Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy