If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
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Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.