I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
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Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
This why you should mind your business
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!