“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
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My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
eggs benadryl
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.