Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
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A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
did it work
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
The booster protects against what, now?
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.