I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
You Might Also Like
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES