Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
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Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Is this you?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it