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Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.