a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
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sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Meowchelangelo
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat