My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
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If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Finished stitching this today 😇
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
He’s cranky this morning
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”