IT’S-A ME,
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[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?