I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
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[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Single and childfree like Jesus
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
stop
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.