Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
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A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.