me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
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I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
wut hotdog?
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…