*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
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*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder