my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
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[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Doggies just call it style.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.