“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
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[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Duolingo getting serious.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?