I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
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It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.