Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
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When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Me, in DM rooms…