Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
You Might Also Like
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I am HOWLING at this
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away