[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
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Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while