If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
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“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone