I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
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Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.