It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
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“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit