Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
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When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.