interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
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My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!