[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
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For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
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