DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
You Might Also Like
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
man: wait
time: no
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
one of
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
My brain is a bad influence on me
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”