Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
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[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
same bro
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably