[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
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[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…