Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
You Might Also Like
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.