(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
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My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Tell the colonel to bring it
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”