Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
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Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
choose your gary
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.