Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
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If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Did…did a minotaur write this
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods