What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
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When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?