saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. πππ¦
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βHello, my little friend.β
βUm, hi.β
βSee that lady holding the camera?β
βYeah?β
βShe leaves for work in an hour.β
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
I wonβt believe in God until βThou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighborβ becomes a Commandment.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enα΅α΅αΆ°αΆα΅ α΅αΆ°αΆα΅ αΆα΅
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: πΆ Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked πΆ
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe heβs a doctor
Me: Youβre dumping me because I never listen and youβre gay!?
Boyfriend: β¦No. I said Iβm dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:β¦
*aggressively waits in line*
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
I forgot the term βkidney stonesβ so I called them pee pebbles.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, donβt team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off