If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
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Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I can also cook 😂
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you