god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
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Spring of Deception
Home is where your toilet is.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
so, is there a mister shapen head
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
goldfish mafia
If I ignore life will it go away?
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.