[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
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[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
what’s the point then??
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
*seductively peels off lederhosen
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Erm I’m gonna say no
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.